I wont be seeing you for a long while...

Has anyone ever discovered a band via a Tesco's Florence and Fred advert before?? Thats how I've found Camera Obscura, who make some of the most achingly beautiful music I have ever heard. Look them up. Good call, Tescos...

So, I've been struck down with flu. Until afew hours ago, I hadnt left my bed for the best part of 36 hours. I'm all achy and hot and shaky and if it wasnt for the fact Katy still doesnt have a damn phone so I can only contact her via a computer, I would not be looking at this screen. It hurts my head. Yet here I am, blogging in the middle of a bout of flu. I must be mad.

Last night, after seeing the advert for it for weeks, Equilibrium was finally shown on Film4. I've been wanting to see that movie for so long, so I kept telling myself 'Just try and stay awake, close your eyes in the adverts, you'll get through it...' - the last thing I remember happening is those police type things who's faces are always covered by those helmet things finding the puppy in Prestons car. And then I woke up and it was today. I was really getting into it though, as much as I could with a high fever and a days worth of pain killers in my system, so I might just go out and buy it.

Today is the best I've felt all week, but the last 2 days I have just on/off slept all day long. In the hours I've been awake, all I've done is watch documentaries. There was one on Louise Woodward (remember her?), and it had been made in America. At one point, the narrator said 'Louise grew up in Elton, about 150 miles north of London'. So NOWHERE NEAR London then?! Honestly, it's like to America, England is London and then just a bunch of fields and countryside.

Anyways, Maury is on, so that's my cue to turn this thing off, get back into bed and find out what messed up American teenagers are being sent to Boot Camp this week.

Broke.

My mother is very funny. Not as funny as Rachel’s, but almost. The other day she text me to say she was making me lunch, so I went round during work and we were both just sat watching TV. I can’t stand watching adverts, so I flicked over to MTV2. Cue my mother saying:
‘Is this Boyzone?’
‘No.’
‘Who is it?’
‘It’s Funeral For A Friend, mum.’
‘Oh, right.’
I just stared at her in disbelief for afew seconds and then killed myself laughing.





Thursday night was effing hilarious. After managing to lose my way (and my mind) trying to get to the MEN Arena, me and Katy were eventually sat in our amazing practically-sat-on-the-stage seats, beers in hand, waiting for Taking Back Sunday to play (we timed our journey perfectly so that we missed Aiden’s entire set. I know, shame). Of course, it was taking the usual 2 weeks to set up the stage, and to pass the time they had this big screen in the middle of the arena, where you would text in a message and it would then flash up, to the sheer delight of whatever young child sent it. The place was full of young children. All wearing the same god awful SAVE THE RAVE TopShop tee shirt. Why, just why? Anyways, before long, up flashed ‘SCREAM IF YOU LOVE GERARD WAY!’. The screams were deafening, so much so I had to put my head in between my legs. Katy was totally screaming, though. Afew more ridiculous text message’s later (including ‘SCREAM IF YOU LOVE SHEEP’) and TBS finally came on. We got up and danced around, laughing at Adam’s usual church preacher routine, Katy continuously screaming ‘I LOVE YOU’ every time Matt ventured towards her and I kept trying to decide what animal Adam looked like (it’s either a seal or a cocker spaniel). 30 minutes later and they were done, but I had officially had my fill of the screaming girls, so we left and went to Ruby Lounge. Which is apparently a nude lapdancing club on it’s regular nights, but the boobs were ushered away that night in favour of the aftershow. I’d never been there before but it was a great place, lots of big sofas and cheap drinks to keep us entertained. Before long, Steve Dan and Gaz came to meet us with some friends. The Jagerettes were there and even though we weren’t even drinking Jagermeister we still managed to get some free crap that made us look like we’d just walked the strip in Magaluf. Lots of drinking, dancing and chatting later, it was time to go home. Me and Katy prayed we wouldn’t be mugged as we headed through Piccadilly at 1.30am but we managed to make it through unscathed, and I made it home in time to give me a solid 4 hours sleep before I had to be up again…

The night before that I went to my sister’s barbeque, and I may or may not have eaten meat to see what it tastes like. I promise, that’s the last time I do that.

I got love for you if you were born in the 80's

Considering how much I love the 80’s, I should like that song. But I don’t. I actually can’t stand it.

The other night, I felt old for the first time since that time afew weeks ago when some middle aged women started chatting to me in Tescos LIKE I WAS ONE OF THEM. I brushed it off and assumed they were drunk, but then the other night me and Gemma went for afew beverages of the adult kind in Spoons. A lot of that place is still smokers friendly, so we bagged a table and I indulged in my two favourite pastimes – smoking and drinking. There was a table full of 17/18 year olds next to us being highly annoying, but we ignored them. Anyway, before long, it was my turn to go to the bar, so off I went. Whilst I was gone, Gemma heard the following conversation happen at the Kids Table:

Annoying child Number 1: ‘Can you smoke in here?’
Annoying child Number 2: *points to where I was sat* ‘That lady was a minute ago.’

LADY??!! Gemma thought it was hilarious but I wanted to smack the little mongrel around the head and tell him he was grounded. I can’t believe teenagers are referring to me as a lady. Horrendous.

Tomorrow night, I’m working for Taking Back Sunday. I didn’t read the small print, however, which states that I will also be in the same building as Aiden and lostprophets. If I make it out alive, I’ll tell you all about it.

Jason's gonna getcha...

It’s Friday the 13th. All over England, school kids in first year will be absolutely shitting themselves, on this day, infamously renamed ‘Sprog Bashing Day’ by the bullies of days gone by, turning it into a cruel yet hilarious tradition. Heads will be flushed down toilets, wedgies will be given in the canteen, tampons will be thrown at boys heads on the bus, but remember kids, it’ll make you a stronger person when you’re older. Plus, afew years later you get to do it to all the new kids yourself.

The weather is nice again (hurrah!) just in time for the weekend. It has, of course, been nice all week, but when I am stuck in work I choose to ignore that. As it was so lovely, me and Gems decided to take a walk up to the pub on Wednesday night. This ‘lovely idea’ later turned sour when my new sandals decided that they hated my feet and wanted to see them suffer, slowly, but I drank through the pain and just made sure we got a taxi home. I hate sandals. I’m gonna take them back into Urban Outfitters and slap the manager around the face with them.

Yesterday, the day seemed to last forever. I remember noticing the time at 1.37 and wondering how the hell it was only 1.37 when it felt like I had been awake for about 11 hours. Through some untold miracle, 5pm finally arrived. I flew home, ate my food so fast I could taste nothing except the burning of my upper mouth, and then went to go pick up Katy. Moments later, we were in town, all ready to go and see Foals. We get to the door at the Roadhouse, Katy laughs as I do my ‘Erm, guestlist’ move and we’re just about to saunter inside when the guy on the door says ‘Oh, you do know Foals aren’t on until midnight tonight?’
‘What?’
‘Yeah, we have two shows on tonight. Are you from Manchester?’
‘Yes.’
‘Ah, go in then, you may aswell watch this show aswell.’
‘Who is it?’
‘Murder By Death.’
Our instant thoughts of ‘Midnight?!!’ were soon gone, as afew songs into MBD’s set we were hooked. It was such a nice surprise. I loved them.

HOURS (and many drinks) later, it was finally time for Foals. Ah, Foals. How I love them. Without any questionable doubt, they are the best new band in Britain. I’ve seen them, like, 4 times, maybe 5, this year already, and I just cannot get enough. I’ve gone on about them enough now for everyone to have at least looked at their myspace, and if you haven’t even done that yet, slap yourself and do it right now. I think last night was my favourite time seeing them, which is weird, as I normally hate the Roadhouse. People have asked me before what they sound like, and it’s such a hard question to answer, because they don’t sound like anyone, but I have always said ‘kinda like Q and not U, on speed’ and then Katy summed it up pretty well last night by saying ‘They’re on the same wavelength as the Longcut, only way, WAY better’. They were brilliant. EVERYONE danced (there wasn’t a single person stood still), clapped and whistled. I also laughed at Nick and his diet of Rocky bars and apples. Tasty, yes, but pretty unfulfilling. Katy was getting progressively drunk, but it was just hilarious, especially when she noticed one of the Murder By Death boys watching the show and taking a huge liking to him. She used the free Foals badges that we were giving away as her ‘in’, had a little chat with him and came back with a ginormous smile on her face. They finished at around 1, I acquired an apple for the drive home, and then off we went. There really is no better way to spend an evening. If my memory serves me correctly, they are back on May 1st. If you don’t go and see them then, I won’t be your friend anymore.

Oh, and incase you need another reason to love Foals, just look at their video:



Hilarious.

Suit's you...

Remember when Johnny Depp was in the Fast Show? Me too.

'He looks terrified...'

One day, I want to be making enough money to only have to work 3 days a week, as 4 day weekends are truly the way forward. I'm not big on Christianity myself, but I have to thank it for Easter.

On Thursday night my nearest and dearest came over with cheap wine from Spar. We had an egg hunt and became fully engrossed in 'My Big Boobs And Me' on BBC3. We called 86355 take aways but noone would deliver as it was too late, so me and Gemma made a full loafs worth of toast, ate the lot and then KO'd. Me and Soph talked about Glasto, me and Bam talked about casinos, and all I said to everybody else was 'Jeeesus, look at the size of hers! I'm surprised she doesnt fall over.'

On Friday, me, Vik and Rachel went to Platt Fields. We had a picnic that was, inevitably, ruined by dogs, ate ice creams, perved on the skateboarders and went for a boat ride. It was lovely. We then went for bevvies, where we perved on more young attractive men (the sun brings them all out of hiding) and then met up with Faye and Gemma to go and see Blades of Glory. Which is very funny, by the way (Gemma - 'BOOM!'). We then went for greasy take out food, went back to mine, watched the Charlotte Church Show (Faye - 'Get over yourself, you were only in Skins') and eventually fell asleep.

Saturday - Me and Gemma went shopping for my new glasses (which are BEAutiful) and then went shopping for everything else. The beautiful boy who works in Urban Outfitters made our afternoon, and at 5ish we bought some food and went for a wee picnic in Picadilly Gardens. No cute boys there, but still. We then went home, had naps (shopping and perving can really take it out of a girl), woke from said naps, I dyed my hair, then got dressed up all pretty and went to play out. We had a party to go to, but got so involved in our games of Ring of Fire that we didnt get to the party until half past midnight. Saw lots of people from school and college that I hadnt seen in years, drank lots of wine, danced around, the usual. I then noticed that Sarah was lying motionless on a sofa, muttering something about leaves and that she was 'gonna puke' if she moved, so we slowly got her up and took her home. Hilarious.

Sunday, me and Gemma were attacked by a fly and a hornet, both of which drove us inside away from the sunshine squealing like 8 year olds. Later, I met up with Vik, Rach and Faye and headed into Manchester. Some guy in Sainsburys asked the cashier if using Lynx really makes girls say 'Boom chicka wa waaa' and I killed myself laughing about it all night. Anyways, we went to Overdraught but at 8 there was already a queue for the Foam Party, so we went and sweet talked Keith into letting us in. For free, too. We can be pretty cheeky if we reckon we can get away with it. I drank ridiculous amounts and dont remember much past about 11 but I remember having a ball. Foamy fun is great.

Today, our killer picnic was marred by the sodding rain, so instead we piled into the car, went for lunch, made this:



and then went to Manchesters finest (and free) art galleries and museums. I sometimes forget what hidden treasures Manchester holds. Here are things that I learned today:

1. You can have alot more fun in an Art Gallery than one would think.
2. You can have even more fun in a Museum.
3. Orange frogs that are the size of a penny can reduce absolutley anybody into a cooing 'Awwwwwww!' type state.
4. T-Rex's really werent actually that big.
5. Gecko's will have sex infront of anybody.
6. Dubbing Gecko sex is probably the funniest thing in the world to do.
7. The kids activity room is, by no means, just fun for kids.
8. Mummys are scary.
9. Young children are even scarier.

Once we were all educated, we went off to Big Hands for a while, where we noticed someone had defaced every single poster in there by drawing a cock in inappropriate places, had afew drinks and then went home, where I cleaned and then watched the worlds most terrible TV programme on Kerrang just because it was being hosted by Sophie Dahl, sorry, Gerard Way. I think it was called '101 Damnations: Rocks Biggest Hellraisers with My Chemical Romance'. You can imagine some of the crap I had to sit through. Things I learned:

1. The singer in Aiden is truly offensive and I hope I never have to look at him ever again.
2. Gerard Way doesnt really say much.
3. The curly haired ginger one actually is Angry Kid in human form.

And that show finished all of 5 minutes ago, so here I am. In about 4 minutes I will go and drink some water (stage one in the cleansing process after the amount of booze that has recently run through my blood stream) and will then sleep sleep sleep.

I hope everyones weekend was super.

My Chemical Romarse

Don't get me wrong, I like My Chemical Romance. But Romany doesnt. And they're just so damn easy to make fun of. So without further ado, let me present to you...

The Amazing Adventures of Gerrr-arrrse!

'Arms up, young man'



'Final hair check... white face, black eyes, check... looking goood, G Man'



'Okay, roll me out!'



'Man, the kids are gonna love this.'





AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!



[NB - Check the girl second in from the right. Priceless.]